I am angry......

I am angry! that doesnt mean I could turn violent at the flip of a coin NO.....although I've been known too in the past. I'm no sludge when it comes to defending my territory. its just when I feel anger I'm not a nice person to be around...nor am I in this negative state of mind very often. although anger is a natural emotion it normally has to be triggered by some form of other negative human behavior toward oneself. that happened to me last weekend. Let me explain......I was out socially enjoying a live band. had a lovely forefilling evening too. end of the night I made my way back to where I had parked my car just after the stroke of Mid-Night. it was a town out of my area I had visited and I took the trouble to park in an area away from the mainstream town centre mayhem. what I didnt take into account was there was a small night club just across the road partially out of sight. anyhow.....as I stroll merrily in the scented cool spring night air with the sound of the band still ringing in my ears I became aware about 200 yards ahead of me a commotion of sorts in the semi darkness. straining my eyes I couldnt quite make out what the noise was ahead only a blurred image of a group of people. as I neared it dawned on me it was where I had parked my car. about 100 yards closer I could see it was a scuffle of sorts and frenzied shouts/screams from female voices. whatever it was it was in full swing...even closer my worst fears were confirmed a group of young men were busy fighting in a drunken stupor right in front of my parked car. its one of those dreaded moments where your brain goes into over drive trying to work out the best thing to do? the fighting cocks started to fall against the front of my car...onto the bonnet..wild punching and screaming....I could hear flesh against metal and that dull thud. surely one has an automatic reaction to such a scene in front of you? do I quickly call the police? rush in to try and break it up or drag them away from my car...shout at them etc etc I continued to approach cautiously and raising my voice to get away from the car to no effect. I shout a second time louder. hardly any reaction at all. luckily two women got involved screaming to get away from the mans car. it worked. tensions lowered for a few minutes as they disentangled limbs from one another. red faced and semi staggering they began to move off across the road. relieved I took to inspecting my car in the semi darkness..wish I had a torch at this moment. the group had semi dispersed across the road and some had entered the night club. hardly any words were exchanged between us in the heat of the incident. I resigned myself to driving home. next day in the cold light of sunshine I surveyed the aftermath of a drunken brawl I wished no part of. two small dents in my car bonnet..two nasty scratches on my otherwise immaculate metallic paintwork wing. umpteen marks/scratches/pitted holes on the front plastic bumper console. what did I do to deserve that I said to myself!? not a happy bunny!

breakfast beany.......

I'm feeling poor this morning. its a self imposed feeling really. I mean I do occasionally get very lazy when it comes to food shopping and I allow my food cupboard to run almost bare...even the fridge is almost empty ie only a few eggs and milk in it along with the usual sauces and associated stuff, I'm sitting here eating baked beans for breakfast...really. it sounds kinda crazy I know but I sometimes allow this scenario to happen..its almost as if I'm testing myself in some way. something along the lines that denial is spiritually cleansing and you feel good about yourself for going through with it for a period. god believing religious folk might understand the process?..others of course will think its crazy. in reality I actually like shopping too...yes even food shopping. many women assume men dont and dont have the patience. but the whole social side to shopping I enjoy like meeting new faces..having a chat...gazing at goods and feeling them...even smelling the newness. I enjoy the set up of shops and sometimes fab displays...different uniforms of brands worn by staff. even discovering or buying different stuff to what I do normally. I enjoy it all..the whole experience. I like shopping with a woman too as it just adds to the fun. women approach shopping so differently to men I find. anyway....my cupboards are not bare because I dislike shopping..or that I'm broke. nor do I have a passion for eating baked beans either in fact I dont like them much..but its all I have. The taste of baked beans in tomato sauce also lingers in the mouth I find but coffee with it is just right ha. I'm sure theres some kind of psychological fix associated to such fasting..not that its proper fasting because of the beans but...its part of the way. I definitely feel like I'm testing myself on the occasions I do this..its not often but occasionally....and I feel good about myself afterwards. do other understand this process?? I think also it relates to a certain character...I mean I'm the type who will walk a number of miles rather then hail a taxi..many wont do that today. another example is...I wont buy a shiny new gadget just for the sake of it when an old object is re-serviceable. or.....my neighbours or friends have modern shiny newish cars. I maybe could go out and buy a new Porsche but chooses to drive around in a 16 year old car which is perfectly good etc etc maybe its the Hippy in me?