A lost friend....

Life back in 2005 was pretty good over all. I was always a free spirit with a very open mind although this was entwined with a stabilising framework of traditional values to..I may have had periods of being wild and rebellious but that didnt mean reckless. I flirted with the social sex drugs rock'n'roll life style theme with music at its centre namely the regions live rock scene which involved music pubs/venues/festivals and places to hang out fellow Alternative types. I had a comrade in arms who shared my love of this music influenced world called Gary. he was 4 years younger then I and we grew up in the same small Suffolk market town here in Eastern England. Although we didnt really know each other as children but were thrown together in our late teens because of our love of Rock music and visiting local venues. We became firm friends and hung out together more and more through the years because of the music link.Gary had never married and during this period I was divorced which provided plenty of free time for social activities.



We would routinely arrange meet ups for gigs and festivals often traveling hundreds of miles for a single event and often did alniters at Nottinghams famous 'Rock City' club which involved a 300 mile round trip driving as well as 8 hours of hard rocking out at the club and on the dance floor...of course drugs played a small part here in keeping the pace going and amplifying the 'good' feelings of the whole music/club experience..there was nothing negative about it at all apart from the long sleep over after arriving home from a marathon session lasting 20 hours non stop! phew! As well as crazy gigs we'd meet up for day trips out and to meet other rock friends or to shop may etc etc usual things that friends do so...we were pretty close and on the same wavelengh on many levels including things such as views on politics...music..fashion..women..life in general. We had a respect for one another to and enjoyed each others company...friendships like that are valued regardless of sex.



Gary also worked part time for a regional music Promoter which had added benefits on a regular basis. His promoter boss/friend would do a mix of local music acts and 'named' acts from yesteryear like Status Quo/Elton John/Uriah Heep/Golden Earring/Wishbone Ash etc etc plus many quality Tribute acts. Gary would often slip me in on such tours as his assistant or driver meaning I would get to enjoy behind the scenes experiences of yesterdays music heroes as well as meeting them and often their families. I met many Named acts this way and including a fab weekend party at Richard Bransons Oxfordshire estate. This extension due to his job just contributed not only to our chosen social lifestyle but also to the closeness of our friendship. It became the norm to meet up most weekends and chat on the phone every few days about life things..plus when Gary found himself unemployed from his day job I employed him part time in my then business. Life was full..steady..and fun...as it should be.



During the hazy hot summer of 2005 and umpteen hectic gig meetings which exhausted us through the sheer excess of just having a good time and not wanting to stop Gary got one of those irritating summer colds which resulted in a persistent cough. we all get them occasionally and think nothing of it. They usually just disappear of their own accord. but Garys didnt and went on for weeks resulting in him taking medication from the local chemist. after this failed to work he routinely visited his local doctors who prescribed yet more anti-biotic pills. back to gigging then. We had a list of different bands and gigs far afield we wanted to go to over the coming weeks hence more planning and driving so..we emerged ourselves back into the swirl of things. Gary just loved the setting and atmosphere of a live gig with a quality band and if all the elements were in place it really was an emotional high for both of us..the power of music huh. it really does effect the soul heart and mind if your properly tuned into it.





After another few weeks passed by he told me his bloody cough was still present and although I had noticed the occasional cough cough thought nothing of it because it began to be the norm from him and Gary was not a smoker. he told me he had gone back to the docs a few times and he had agreed he should have a proper checkover at the local clinic. This came and went without any concern but a surprise phone call from Gary changed the feeling of calm...he explained the x-ray at the clinic revealed something and he needed to report to the local hospital for further tests. he was concerned and threw a few reasons/causes by me...I heard myself saying that he shouldnt worry too much and it was just a normal cautionary thing they did and it would amount to nothing...you'll see! but at the back of my mind I did wonder if there was indeed something wrong?



A week later everything changed in our world when his hospital tests had come back. they had found a small dark shadow on garys lung and his blood tests revealed there were irregularities in the cells. he had to stay over in hospital for further testing and the voice on the phone sounded like concealed panic. I did my best to speak him back onto rational thinking as best I could and visited him the next evening. it was odd seeing my friend in a small quietened hospital ward and in his bed pyjamas and speaking in hushed tones when we were both usually in noisy musical environments. he told me what the specialists had said and was remarkably calm as opposed to his veiled panic on the phone just 24 hours previously. They had found a small dark growth on the tip of one of his lungs which was cancerous but a mild form and in its very early stages of developement. They suggested he stayed in hospital and under went a course of radiology and possibly chemotherapy over the next few weeks. He could do most of this as an out patient but they wanted him to stay in for 2-3 weeks so they could closely monitor progress of this treatment.





Gary was in indecisive mode a few days later and became very stubborn. he knew both treatments could result in the loss of his long healthy blonde hair which was a symbol of his rock credentials. he did indeed look the part being 6'-1" tall and slim with that rock singer willowness about him and he looked good in bohemian style rock clothes of which he developed his own unique style. his long flowing locks which went below his shoulders were very much part of the completed look...it wouldnt work bald or even short. I did of course try to talk sense into him regarding that ones health is more important but...you cant stop a steam train in full flight. he asked to see the specialist again to get a detailed account of his growth who informed him that oral medication could also treat it and that radiology/chemotherapy was at this stage an over kill solution offered in choice...that he couldnt guarantee either or both would work...that the growth was minute etc this indecisive analysis convinced Gary that there was a period of wait and see so..he decided to reject the harsher treatments in favor of oral radiation tablets..it was his choice and now he couldnt be budged!



Fast forward a few months and Gary was out of hospital in autumn 2005 and on regular tablets which seemed to do the trick ie the cough was gone and he looked bright'n'healthy again and full of life..the hospital monitored him on a regular basis and reported no problems regarding the growth getting larger or changing...indeed it became smaller. Christmas came and went with a brand new year unfolding 2006 with life things kicking back in and we connected again with the social rock thingy like nothing had happened the previous summer. he continued going for regular checks firstly every 2 weeks..then a month ending up every 3 months so it all appeared good. The 'old' Gary was back and he seemed to display a renewed vigour for life which is usually the case after a cancer scare isnt it. The months rolled on and life was good again. he changed his diet of course and a cleaner lifestyle took form and I think he felt much the better for it. It almost became like a fading memory the events of over a year ago and healthwise everything seemed fine..psychologically everything moved forward and negative thoughts slowly but surely disappeared. suddenly it was almost Christmas 2006..what happened to this past year? its slipped by so fast..cant believe its almost 2007.




It was a cold grueling winter this one and the usual Christmasy things came and went...we battoned down the hatches until the first hint of spring showed its face and then it was time for planning again ie the social calender and holidays etc etc like furry animals emerging from a long winters hibernation rubbing your eyes and eager to get stuck back into living normally again. Sunny March arrived 2007 and it was beautiful..we hit the gig circuit running and our motors were running again...our foots hit the floor and you could hear our engines roar! Gary had met a woman the past month and he liked her a lot. he revealed his feelings to me I guess looking for advice of some kind. I told him that having a love in ones life makes it all complete and even more enjoyable..that a close friendship between mates shouldnt suffer because of it...that if she felt the same toward him then he should invest more of himself into the bludgeoning relationship and see where it flows? he took my advice and offered her more of his social time which I understood so stepped back a little to allow it to grow. a routine emerged where we saw less of one another in favor of his growing love/needs from this woman. instead of the normal 3-4 times per week we used to meet up it dropped to once a week and sometimes less. I accepted that without question..it was early days and new love is all consuming..I understand that.




Something strange happened in mid April 2007 myself and Gary had a silly disagreement over the phone which rarely happened ever but both being strong characters I guess when it does happen its strong. it developed into a heated argument and slamming the phone down in frustration. neither would compromise or give any ground to get beyond it...which was silly and just male pride. I couldnt fathom who started it or fed it to heated proportions? I guess we were both to blame? I thought to myself well sod him..he has his woman now so isnt too bothered with me. it'll blow over in a short time and things will be fine again...lets just have some space between us. April turned into May and the weather was so fine with bright sunshine and the smell of spring hung in the air..that flower scented smell that makes you fell quite heady. I continued going to gigs locally and fully expected to bump into Gary and his woman..thinking we would and that silly disagreement would be forgotten about immediately...but we didnt. I didnt really think it was odd...just thought we were like passing ships in the night and would eventually. a few busy weeks with work my end and I didnt go out one weekend feeling a little exhausted. I almost phoned my friend Gary one evening thinking this was silly as I had missed our regular phone chats and meets.




I received a phone call from another friend on the 29th May whom I hadnt heard from in a while..."Hi I said" "wondered how you were these days"...he sounded sombre and said he was sorry but he was the bringer of bad news! He went on to say he knew myself and Gary had had a falling out a while back so thought it was only right he should inform me of recent events etc..oh god I thought whats happened? his words came out slowly and resonated in my head..."I dont think you knew that Gary was taken into hospital almost a month ago and remains there..that the hospital has told his relatives he wont be leaving and that sadly things arent good...that the cancer he had signs of 2 years previously had re-emerged quickly and unfortunately spread via his blood to his stomach".....oh my god! his words seemed to freeze in my head and numbed my thinking. I couldnt fully take in their meaning? I mean only weeks ago we were together and he was so full of life and healthy etc how could this happen so quickly? why didnt the hospital pick up on it and have some warning? a hundred questions flowed through my mind.



My friend on the phone went on to explain the sequence of events the past 5-6 weeks..apparent Gary had a heavy night of drinking one night while out and brought a curry on the way home..having eaten this he became sick shorty afterwards and brought the meal up. he put it down to being drunk. next few days he couldnt hold his food down for long and developed a feeling of indigestion in his tummy. he thought nothing of it and took pills from the chemist. but much like his persistent cough of a few years ago it wouldnt go away. his feeling of indigestion got steadily worse causing him to phone his doctor as 4 days. he told him to report immediately to the hospital outpatient dept which he did. they took an x-ray and blood test telling him he has to stay in over night as something doesnt look right. They discovered the cancerous growth on his lung to be still there but very small with little change but there were now small growths in the lining of his stomach and it had spread so much it was inoperable...even contemplating removing his whole stomach would not be enough as evidence was seen to show it had spread beyond that.




Gary was given emergency chemotherapy over the next few weeks in a vain attempt to stop the spread and limit the harm and he increasingly needed Morphine to kill the pain. he couldnt hold food down so had to be fed liquids via a tube. his weight loss was fast and his skin color faded but he remained upbeat even after the specialists slowly broke the news to him there was little hope...that he had to prepare himself for the worst. he had friends and family visit him...he listened to his beloved rock music on the bedside radio till the end and the nurse said his music seemed to give him strength. he became painfully thin and needed larger doses of Morphine..his mood slowly sunk toward the end and he became short tempered etc etc I listened to this account on the phone in a state of semi-shock! stunned both by the bad news but also as to why hadnt he contacted me his friend of old to tell me? was he just too stubborn? did he feel betrayed by me some how? was he embarrassed to tell me there was no hope? was he so doped up he couldnt think straight? so many painful questions that mashed my thinking up.





After this shocking phone call/news I immediately phoned the hospitable wanting to arrange a visit. it was late and the night staff were on duty they could tell me very little and suggested I call first thing in the morning. I gave in trying at that late hour and couldnt sleep that night. next morning I phoned the hospital first thing at 8am and had difficulty getting through to the right dept/ward..eventually after being passed onto 3 different staff members a female voice calmly told me that Gary had sadly passed on late last night. that he was calm and sedated with no pain. his younger brother and two other friends were at his bedside so he didnt die alone.....I couldnt believe what I was hearing! She told me that he was listening to his radio at that moment to his favorite rock station..he leaned forward slowly toward his brother and asked him in a hushed voice to hold his hand tightly and he quietly slipped away...tears filled my eyes uncontrollably.





11 days later on another beautifully sunny day mid week Garys funeral took place at the crematorium . I heard he had wanted to be buried but the current laws prevented it because his cancer was a form of toxic asbestosis and only cremation was possible..this had upset him apparently. it was a good turn out..lots of family/friends and aqquaintences..lots of summer flowers. The service was nice and they played 2 of Garys chosen rock tracks over the PA system which broke my heart and I couldnt hold back my emotions at that point...memories flooded my head and I couldnt relate to this whole thing...the music playing in this moment is associated with laughter happiness and our old times together as mates at gigs etc certainly not watching his coffin sliding behind curtains before the hot ovens...its just not real!




Over the next few days I contacted the local radio station and the DJ friend of Gary whom he had be-friended at various gigs agreed with his producers to do a radio tribute to a lost rocker and friend. he played the track from Aerosmith that Gary had been listening to at the moment of passing...so very moving..more tears. I recorded this radio tribute and burned it onto a dvd containing old photos/film of him I had taken over the years in a montage of his life. I handed these out to a few of his family/friends. How does one deal with a sudden loss of someone close? where do you find the answers to so many questions? grief is a lonely burdon to deal with. The rock scene is a lonelier place without you Gary..I miss your laughter...your jokes..I miss your views on life..I miss your spirit..I miss you beside me at gigs always with an opinion on the band...I loved you my friend and I miss you...you were only 52 and so full of life still...I recall what someone told me you said in defiance when you learned that there was little hope of recovery while laying in your hospital bed..you said.."oh well I've had a good 50 years plus..some folk dont get anywhere near that do they"....You may have gone in physical presence but your spirit lives beside me still at gigs and I gain a lot of inspiration from that...I will keep you alive in my thoughts which will be a fitting memorial to you...I lost a friend.... CALLEN